Before Mass

The parking lot is arranged in the manner of choir stalls, with a section at the end reserved for the celebrant and assistants. Families and individuals arrive by first driving down the aisle in front of their spot, briefly pausing to reverse gear, and then backing into the spot. This serves as the customary genuflection. In locales with larger parking lots, an optional third emcee may fulfil the time-honored function of verger, or, in contemporary parlance, traffic cop.

The Mass

Procession

For a Mass in the High Octane, the procession begins with the thurifer driving a single-smokestack Hemi pickup truck. (For Corpus Christi, a double smokestack is preferred. If a small parish, semi-double. If a cathedral, a semi.) In places where the thurifer instead customarily carries the holy water for the asperges, a Prius or hydro-electric car may be substituted, provided it is parked away at the beginning of Mass.

Then follow the First and Second Acolytes, in sub-compact cars. If it is a Marian feast, they may drive a Fiat.

Lastly, the celebrant arrives, in a black car, driven by the first emcee as chauffer. The second emcee then operates as valet, permitting the first emcee to attend to the celebrant while the car is parked out back in a safe place. The collection is not to be stored in the celebrant’s car, nor the sacramental wine.

The rest of the Mass

Mass occurs as usual, with the following alternators:

• Incensation occurs by pressing the brake and accelerator at the same time. If there is a freestanding altar, the celebrant pops wheelies; otherwise, he just drifts.
• All motors are to be silenced after the Sanctus, and remain off until the conclusion of the minor elevation.
• The second acolyte has the responsibility of honking his car horn at times where bells would be customary.
• At the Agnus Dei and Domine Non Sum Dignus, car doors are to be gently closed with an open hand, not slammed closed.
• For Communion, cars are not to be moved as in the manner of an ungodly drive-through. Rather, the Sacred Minister administers the Sacrament by way of pilgrimage from car to car; that is, according to the godly use of Chick-fil-a. In the event of rain, a parasol or canopy is used.

Mass concludes as normal.

Notes for particular seasons:

On penitential days, the A/C is turned off in the summer, except in Minnesota, where the heater is turned on low. In winter, this is reversed. At the conclusion of Mass, instead of the Last Gospel, a reading is taken from the encyclical Laudato Si, and then a tree is planted.

N.B.: Servers must be above the age of 16 to drive in many locales, unless in a rural location where hardship licenses for large families are common.